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Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to
teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is
dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is
making love to your wife.
-- Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize our
Gulf War troops.

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon. -- Prince Charles, 1991
(Not recommended as a pick up line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing. It's not bombing, it's air
support.
-- Air Force Colonel David Opfer, complaining to reporters about their
coverage of the Vietnam War.

Capital punishment is our societies recognition of the sanctity of human
life.
-- Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah.

Don't be humble. You're not that great.
-- Golda Meir

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting
to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or
chemistry.
-- H. L. Mencken

I think that the undecideds could go one way or the other.
-- George Bush, 1988

We may be finding that in some blacks, when the choke hold is applied, the
veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people.
-- Daryl Gates, former L.A. police chief and complete idiot.

I'm not against the blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
that.
-- Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
-- Lester Maddox, then governer of Georgia, on why his state should not
create a consumer protection agency.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call
home to mother and father and say, "I'd like to get into the National
Guard."
-- Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard
service during the Vietnam War.

Casual drug users should be taken out and shot.
-- Daryl Gates, Asshole Deluxe.

I didn't inhale.
-- Presidential candidate Bill Clinton

Who ever heard of Casablanca? I don't want to star opposite some unknown
Swedish broad.
-- George Raft, on the role of Rick in Casablanca.

Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more
certain they are their own.
-- Aristotle

Ward, come upstairs and talk to The Beaver.
-- June (Mrs. Frisky) Cleaver

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change.
-- Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.
-- Richard Nixon, discussing Watergate in 1978

A woman, occasionally, is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
-- Karl Kraus

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life.
-- Brooke Shields, on why she wanted to become spokesperson for a federal
antismoking campaign.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry
than your life.
-- Jackie Mason

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?
-- Marilyn Monroe, after being served matzoball soup three meals in a row.

My work is done, why wait?
-- Suicide note of Kodak founder George Eastman

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be
happier than others.
-- Oscar Wilde

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
-- Helen Rowland

I love California. I grew up in Phoenix.
--Vice-President Dan Quayle

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
-- Lenny Bruce

Bite the wax tadpole.
-- Coca-Cola name as originally translated into Chinese (later changed to
"May the mouth rejoice").

Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave.
-- Ad slogan "Pepsi comes alive" as initially translated into Chinese.

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.
-- Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored
footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--
-- Last words of Union commander General John Sedgwick, spoken as he was
watching enemy troops at the Battle of Spotsylvania Court House.

Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something
else anyway.
-- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on Chlordane.

I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes which are pump shoes.
It is not one of my weaknesses.
-- Imelda Marcos, owner of 3,400 pairs of shoes.

Facts are stupid things.
-- Ronald Reagan

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time
off for good behavior?
-- New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
-- General William Westmoreland on why the media should be controlled in
wartime.

I stand by all the misstatements.
-- Dan Quayle, then vice-presidential hopeful, defending his verbal gaffes.

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Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
   account be allowed to do the job."
     -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
   on --- This person must be fired."


ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.


ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.

ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.

ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
 -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
----------------------------------------------
 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do   
     nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging started:  "I
     wanna know your name"

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
      you, but when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, 
      and anyone going faster than you is a moron. 
      
 -    You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother started walking five
      miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
      heck she is.
      
 -    I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain. 
      
 -    I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew
      hair under my arms instead.
      
 -    The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
      be caught dead in otherwise.
      
 -    A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in 
      business.
      
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the 
      Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
      Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
      
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly 
  concerned about.
       
  The probability of someone watching you is proportional 
  to the stupidity of your action.
       
  All generalizations are bad.
  	-- R. H. Grenier
       
  Dyslexics of the world, untie!
       
  Whining is anger through a small opening.
  	-- Stuart Smalley

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 
  I think I've forgotten this before.
  	-- Steven Wright
       
  It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room 
  temperature.
  	-- Steven Wright
       
  If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
  	-- Steven Wright
       
98% of all statistics are made up.
       
  It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of 
  statistics.
  	-- Fletcher Knebel

 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
  	-- Will Rogers
  
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  	-- Harrison's Postulate
  
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  	-- Altito
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  	-- Groucho Marx
  
  I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
  	-- Groucho Marx

Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.
  	-- Yogi Berra
  
  No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
  	-- Yogi Berra


  Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  	-- Murphy's First Law
  
  Everything takes longer than you think.
  	-- Murphy's Second Law
  
  Whatever can go wrong,
  will go wrong.
  	-- Murphy's Third Law
  
  If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
  the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
  	-- Murphy's Fourth Law
  
  If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  	-- Murphy's Fifth Law
  
  If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 
  can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, 
  will promptly develop.
  	-- Murphy's Sixth Law
  
  Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  	-- Murphy's Seventh Law
  
  After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
  	-- Farnsdick's corollary
  
  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked 
  something.
  	-- Murphy's Eighth Law
  
  Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
  	-- Murphy's Ninth Law
  
  It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so 
  ingenious.
  	-- Murphy's Eleventh Law
  
  Murphy was an optimist.
  	-- O'Toole's Commentary
  
 "Diplomacy" is letting them have it your way.
       
  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
  	-- Harry S. Truman
       
  Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
  	-- Albert Einstein
       
  Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
  	-- Albert Einstein
       
"Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
     shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called
     cargo?"